Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Numb
Well my original post I had planned to write tonight is nothing like what I am about to type. The mood I was in at 10 o'clock this morning has changed dramatically and along with that my thesis statement of the day. Have you ever looked back on your life and say to yourself "How did I ever get here from there?" I'm feeling that way now. I just look back on events in my life and I have no idea how I turned out to be this way. To be honest its quite depressing. You grow up playing with barbies and watching Disney movies and BOOM!!! Your almost and adult and you've wrecked two vehicles, failing a class and applying to college. What happened to me? I could have turned out to be a pretty good person but somewhere, along the way, I got lost and now I'm stuck in a world that is foreign to me. Most of the time I feel I am just a body walking around. No feelings, no thoughts just ---there. I push others away without the intention of doing so and the people I do allow to get close to me are the worst kind and character. I'm feeling a whole new level of low. I don't understand what went wrong but something for sure is wrong. I'm fighting a battle with the two halves of me. One wants to do good and knows what is right and the other just wants to rip off in the opposite direction and go wild. I am afraid the older I get the more it is inevitable I will never change, I cant change, I want to but would I change to? This cant really be the real me can it? How do I keep on going everyday completely alone and numb? Numb- a cold word for a cold feeling when your feeling nothing at all.
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It's okay that you're a bad person. We can't all be the hero that I am.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to this thing we call life...
ReplyDeleteYour feelings, your heart and your actions don't always reflect each other well. "The good I want to do I do not do, the things I don't want to do, that is what I do" you're not alone Val, we all struggle, enjoy the journey to adulthood:)
From...the extraordinary woman.
You will undergo many changes throughout your youth as you try life on for size. Ask yourself before doing something if you're willing to live long-term with the consequences of decisions made for short-term satisfaction; helps when making decisions to know what's at stake. Judging by other things you've posted, I'd wager you'll straighten things out. You seem to have supportive family-- you're fortunate in that regard.
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